careful

seats just above glass
man beside me turns to warn of puck danger
he turns his eyes back to the ice
a stray puck finds his face
ironic.

towel

i
thought it was mine
i
grabbed it
dried off with it
he
thought it was his
he
snapped
ran after me
we
fought
in the buff
they (hockey team)
cheered

chairs

local factory
all employee meeting
no chairs?
annoucement of
plant closure
nothing to throw

uncle

shooting pucks in the driveway
on the net
uncle shows up
competion he says
biggest dent in garage door wins
dad...
pissed

friendly fire

laser tag
no teaming up
we did
i was hit every 10 seconds
big screen after game
revealved my partner's
sin

you are what you eat

saw a guy
who looked like a
pear
i'll assume
he is not
what he eats

sting

wasp on neck
4 year old hand to wasp
sting to neck
messed up wasp
crying
later...
"i sure showed him
i killed his gutts."
6 year old brother encouragement
"you won the last level!"
oh yeah!

bent

he's slow
walking
nowhere to go
bent cigarette
in the shape
of a buttock

mid crosswalk

heavy traffic
guy with walker
impatient
red hand telling stop
who cares
he goes for it
mid crosswalk he senses danger
and
turns back
waits for little white shiny guy

carlos

it may be italian
gibberish italian perhaps
he stands at the corner and shouts
people walk by
he sits
he smokes
he shouts again
he's a staple here
carlos the yelling italian

rolling buttlitter

last drag
butt tossed to ground
wind blows
butt goes
rolling, rolling, rolling
maybe a stay in the sewer
maybe a stop at the beach
wherever it be
it spreads
its cellulose asetate
and
accumulated particles
Thanks for sharing dude.

filterless is the way to go

Didn't ask for it

It's hard to take
Worked hard for that money
To buy new skates, games, whatever
They don't appreciate it like I imagined
But when I think about it
They didn't really need it
Nor did they ask for it
Lesson?
Next time spend that money on a sitter and dinner

header

7 am
a little running start
one foot planted on pedal
the other swinging over frame
sudden stop
big tumble
fellas driving to work giving
a little honk, smile and wave
perfect

saved

outdoor concert
crap opening band
headliners move to stage
crushing, pressing crowd
nervous for my life
crazy scared looking guy being
trampled
reach for all i'm worth
pulling buddy to the vertical
wouldn't stop hugging me
thoughts of throwing him back to the ground

watch out

big crowd
rushing for tickets
holy smokes a hand rail
at a terrible hight
moved just in time
buddy behind me
not so lucky

night shift

scrap steel to mark the
start and finish line
forklifts revving and ready
on your mark
get set
go
0-10
in 8 seconds
next up...
3 wheel cart action

tv

wwf
big cous wants to touch the ring
we make a break for it
slammin' on the floor mat
security coming our way
big cous stands his ground
me too
warning given
back to seats
waving the number 1 hand
scored some air time in the process
best ever!

apologies

friend in need of ride
ride given
horrible pooh smell
give heck to friend for stinky rear
friend annoyed, in denial
friend dropped off
smell still there
kid in back had
stepped in pooh
sorry

period

stupid computer
there's a glitch
can't erase that period
come on stupid thing
i have things to do
oh
it's dust
i can deal with that

injuries

it's been a long time
same old hockey equipment for the past 12 years
used to be top-of-the-line yo
time to replace some of it
toured the sports store yesterday
discovered why so many young players are
concussed
elbow pads are rock solid and take up most of the arm
of no interest to me
raided my dad's musty old hockey bag
scored top-of-the-line elbow pads
from the 70's
perfect
after a wash or two

older kids

6 year old
lightsaber in hand
wanders across field
to neighbour's backyard
two older kids playing with lightsabers
6 year old
back an hour later
with new found knowledge...
force punch
force roll
and
that a farmer died in the fire pit beside the barn
years ago and has since haunted that barn

lost an edge

on the ice today
with my 2 year old
a little dipsy doodle into hard turn
down hard on my elbow
hate to make excusses
but
back up two days
on ice
with my 2 year old
gathering pucks
when
i notice my little guy
up two flights of cement stairs
i
chased hard after him

so
cause of fall...
chewed an edge off my blades
running on cement

a century

100 years old
great gram
can you believe it
still had her
wits
flowers the boys had given her
and
the flashlight they knew she needed for her birthday
last time i was visiting her
we flipped through 26 pics on my ipod
and i imagined
the transition, change and inovation this woman has experienced
i've only ever known her as a senior
it will be interesting seeing her
on the flipside
love

servants

i call my gas company
they act as if they're my authority
what?
do i not pay you?
for service?
does that not make you
my servant?
yes!
come
serve me
now

i serve, you serve; we all serve someone

running

not much of a runner
but okay at it
made the cross country team
half a km in i'm cramping
buddy beside me cramping as well
totally not worth it
hide in the bush
throw snowballs at the guys
jump out and scare girls
cross line long after
awards ceremony
straight to bus
never on team again

crunchy

sunset and fire
sand and water
wine and eats
HAPPY DOG
out of nowhere
sand on eats
dog exits
back to romantic scene
with a little
crunch, crunch, crunch

time

blogging
surfing with google
think to myself
this is a waste of time
wonder to myself
what movie should i watch

definitely an off night

insult

big dog
barks at my
small dog
my
small dog
walks over to
big dog
face to face
big dog
backs down
my
small dog
pees on
big dog
walks away

what just happened

cool

teachers angry
girl
sent to office
she
saran wraped toilets
i find out
it was my sister
i think to myself
in all of history
there has never been a cooler sister
proud to be her brother

small town

recognize
asian guy at gym
"you play tennis?!"
"no"
"could have sworn i saw you with a racquet"
"there must be another asian guy in town"
i'll have to find him

white whale

chubby funny kid
at beach
asked
wife and i
if we've ever seen a
white whale
nope
ookay that's
a bare bum

on purpose

i'm doing
pushups
behind tredmills
dude on tredmill
tumbles off
ear buds ripped from ears
immediately into pushup position
5 pushups
back on moving tredmill
happens again
more pushups!
so
a fall
can't. hold. in.
LAUGH!!!

just stop and laugh next time man.

weiner roaster

downtown
came across
weiner roaster
shaped as a man
with a thing
to place hotdog on
"some people just don't care about privacy!"
my little guys exclaimed
my birthday present
that weiner roaster
"i knew you liked it dad, you lauged really hard!"

Worth it

Kids in trouble
Parents ill-equipped
Heart goes out
Hands and feet follow
These Kids
see other kids in trouble
"they just need a big friend" they say
My Heart is
heavy
And
Happy

Modern

Running ahead through auto door
Somewhere in YMCA
Lifeguard brings him back
Off the rink with skates on
Nowhere to be found
girl helps him off elevator
out front door
In van power locking
Daddy guides him to unlock
Down the stairs
Quiet downstairs
Ordering game on iPod
Sneaking the cordless
What's that sound
Calling papa mom and police

Does modern technology make thing easier?

chicken soup

camp in jamaica
chicken soup served
chicken feet in soup
sick
kids want to trade
my feet for
their dumplings
score
stupid kids

kiss

buddy
gene simmons mask on
crashing
bingo night
standing on table
shouting
"i have bingo
i have bingo
i have bingo"
no one laughing
he runs

picking

snot coloured gum
idea
pull up beside
people
pretend to pick nose
longing gaze at snot
eat
eyes closed enjoyment
friends in back
lovin' it
other drivers
sick

bad timing

hopewell rocks
tide out
touring cave
pee emergency
had to do it
tourists enter
i begin
climbing rocks
i dunno???

criminal

buddy steals money
caught
sent to court
shitting bricks
punishment
"don't do it again"
probation with
really
attractive girl
never missed an appointment
justice!

haha

traveling
speaking engagement
at a brethren assembly
little comedy try
ladies in front row
lose their hats
laughing
success
liberation!

big game

baseball tourney
my big chance
starting pitcher

back up an hour

can't resist taco bell
eat too much
miss start
sitting in
porta potty

cheating

hiding behind tree
a green around a blind corner
every ball near green
in hole
happy golfers

urinal

boys
so many boys
they pee standing up
every house they populate
should be
equipped with
urinal

knife

college roomate
wanted a try
wind up all wrong
knife through window
$50 fine

new employee

good bud
working at tim hortins
comment card filled out
"amazed at the generosity of
rick. can't believe all the free stuff
y'all are giving away!"
rick looking for comment box key

fun

purchased several cd's
cashier forgot to do her thing
carefully peeled security stickers
waited just inside gate
stuck security bars to unknowing customers

pat down

line up
outdoor concert
major police presence
buddy behind me acting cool
i
mention to cop
trouble behind me - drugs
buddy questioned
frisked
DAVIDSON!!!!

arnold schwarz...

arnold poster
speedo posing
on my wall
considered
indecent
at my ultra conservative college
i'll fix that i promised
boxer shorts taped over speedo
short sleve shirt over torso
acceptable
smoke taped to mouth
unacceptable

the circle of nicknames

gr k-3
just a kid
dan the man
gr 4-5
chubby kid
tubalard
gr 6
wrong turn from change room
mooner man
gr 7-8
skinny dude
fag legs
gr 9-11
hairy teen
teen wolf
gr 12-rest of life
just a dude
dan the man

claustrophobic

friends
taking groceries to house
i
think it funny to
hide in open trunk
girlfriend
thought it funny to
close trunk
in my mind
end of the world
shocked friends/girlfriend
different looking trunk
i'm happy
just to be alive

distraction

ceo
telling us stuff
me
in front row
listening
to distracted speaker
meeting adjourns
i look down
large hole
in croch of pants
cause of distraction
found

acne

grade 8
breakout
pimples
self conscious
to the doc
acne cream perscribed
acne cleared
a month later
5 years later
still covering face with cream
in the name of fear

fighting

over a grade 8 date
over a game of four square
over a bad tennis call
over a funny look
over a tossed peanut
over a squirt gun
over a rotten peach
over a stolen towell
all
absolutely justifiable
and
undeniably necessary

snow cone

bottom of the 7th
the 9th of little league
2 out
man on base
nervous center fielder
ball hit
to center field
slow to react
diving play
ball barely in glove (snow cone)
hoisted as hero
story still told
every
time
we
pass the ball park

panic

wave pool
12 year old fat kid
capsized tube
freakout
alarm sounded
waves stopped
pool cleared
fat kid swims to side
climbs latter
waves resume
people enter
fat kids sits this one out

line

waiting
to do some
banking
in
line
quick glances
nervous smiles
hardly a word
an outburst about the weather
silence
heart pounding
what to say????
next!
YES!

taxes

can't find checks
withdraw cash for rent
checks found
car repairs
cash on hand
"thanks!" wink wink
did i just do something wrong

no fence

random teens facebooking
"anyone up for a trampoline jump?"
random guy
watering garden
random family
enjoying yard and stuff
random naked people
camping
random kids
lighting fireworks
random
randomness

remember

hockey
no plays or games come to mind
but
the rides
the hotels
the streaking
the pranks

religion

two ladies
telling me to be
like them
dog enters
throws up
on leg
of
lady
she gags
leaves
yooah goo boi

slip

i saw it!
didn't know it could actually happen
dude went down on a banana peel
awesomeness

mask

i
witness
egg to grandma's house
foot chase
3 of them
1 of me
culprit to ground
accomplices scatter
culprit
"dan?"
mask off
"hey what's up colin?"
hang out

batteries

charging
bible
calendar
clock
to do list

sent from my ipod

warning

pretty girl
new to blades
date
blading
big hill
covered bridge
go slow i say
hold my hand i say
feminist
tuck position
wipeout

cheese

school's out
for summer
found
delicious cheese dip
in bulk
school's in
enter
obese boy

green

online courses
a prof
maybe not so technically savvy
concerned about the earth
requesting no title page
"save some trees people"
it wastes too much paper
only
'cause she prints each assignment

roughing

tussle in corner
2 minutes for roughing
each man to a box
tussle behind box
his dad
a dad from my side
duking it out
as
we stand together on ice
chatting
wondering at our elders

camping

3 days in
mountains
tenting
sale on
chunky soup
breafast
lunch
supper
taken care of

mud pie

fire cracker planted
short wick
explosion
of
cow patty
no chance to run

the boys

boys running
hitting groin
with
hands
sticks
baseballs
first time jock owners

road

neighbours meet
at roadside
nets dragged from behind shed
working together
suiting up goalies
sticks thrown to middle
blind tosser
fair or not
teams chosen
sweat, blood and tears
neighbours shake hands
home for supper

touching

very first time
exhilerating
can't stop smiling
screaming for joy
head above the water
feet placed firmly on
pool floor
bigger now

fine print

approached
would we be on a poster ad
yeah why not
beautiful pic of the fam
posted for everyone to see
people like you
make it possible
for people like
the davidsons
to enjoy subsidized membership
nice

unexpected

water broke
rush to hospital
c-section
expecting a girl
1-2-3
out comes baby
beh's first words
"it has a penis!"
"comes with the package"
doc replies

prof

prof lecturing
sun beam hits my watch
think it funny to reflect beam
to prof's
shirt
arm
head
nothing said
for
3
days
"nice watch"
instant shame

ditto

cynophobia
as a result of
teeth marks on
buttock 

giant baby things

grown-up sized
jolly jumper
yes please
is this heaven

chicken barn

cleaning chicken barn
gross
so much poop
friend
pushing wheel barrow
falls
face first into pooh
laugh
friend throws pooh ball
straight to my face
he laughs
driver won't allow us in truck
throw pooh balls at windshield entire trip home
wipers on high
everyone laughing

end of line

late getting there
huge line up
no chance for the good seats
idea
fake nosebleed
ushered to front
let in
enjoyed the good seats
guilt
even as i write

stick shift

friends in need of ride
deal made
dad of friend loans jeta
friend drives there
i return car
safe trip there
newbrunswick
forgot to mention
never driven standard
quick lesson
on the road
flashing lights
"any idea how fast you were going?"
honestly, no
lost
in quebec city
squeal tires at every incline
3 stalls
home to ontario
safe
required
new transmission
my fault?
no blame
very nice people

atmosphere

late night
on the town
hipster bar/resturant
engrained in memory
revisit
beh's birthday
totally stoked
reservation needed
enter
sea of white hair
seniors galore
two under 70
new memories engrained

white house

yes that one
tour
incredible
on the heels of the
leader of the free world
man beside me
flatulates
looks around
please
mr. president
don't come out now

little

little
fist
perfect fit
in
orbit (eye socket)
brother-in-law
down

spicy

did you say spicy
i'lltakeit!
circulation stimulated
body temperature rising
increased acuity of senses
skin - mucous membranes
FEELIN' IT
hot
on the way in
on the way out

"and it burns, burns, burns, the ring of fire..."

numbered

cattle
numbered
# 253
haven't seen # 252 of late
i wonder
what number am i
do i have
a number
tatooed somewhere that
everyone can see
but me

communication

she's over there
i can see her
i'm over here
she can see me
we comment on
the other's blog
love

sofa

yes!
spills no longer a problem
looks quality
we'll take it
one week later...
pleather only as far as the eye can see
steel as weak as the ripping pleather
made in
not canada

mini hockey

young hockey fans
finding the corners
mini sticks and tape balls
hours of intense competition
solid friendships
and
black eyes
blissfully unaware
of
on-ice action

guitar

"how long have you been playing?"
"11 years"
"nice!
"whadya know?"
"house of the rising sun"
"rock?"
"house of the rising sun"

easter

bunnies
chocolate eggs
fantastic idea

denominations

body parts everywhere
twitching
flopping around
aimless
needing one another

attack ads

nice
now onto more important things
there's a pothole
on some street
somewhere

nic naks

so beautiful
and
practical
and
justified
and
attractive
and

SARCASM

books

about everything
why?
diet
eat gross stuff
exercise
work hard
gardening
let farmers do it
raising kids
what screwed you up
marriage
do unto others...
finances
make it, spend it, save it
etc, etc

homeless

guy
wanting place to stay
food to eat
money
not so sure if
legit
set up tent
scared of bugs
staying at hotel across street
forever friends

pooh in my eye

boy screaming
"pooh in my eye"
run to bathroom
boy
standing on seat
wanted to see pooh
drop

first afro

ymca
hot tub
3 year old
guy with afro
"nice helmet"
"my hair?"

christmas tree

first time for a real tree
long search
perfect tree
downed
unfortunately
bigger than car
too big for apartment
hours of
trimming

bullet

thrilling discovery
.22 bullet on street
pocket the bullet
call friend
bullet on driveway
hammer out
hammer down
bullet in neighbours siding

finding nemo

kids never knew
there was a chapter one
nemo just had a dad
that's the way it was
thought we were the only ones
until
nemo at the davidsons'
was
depicted on the simpsons

xbox 2

halo
online
no chance
do these guys do anything else?

xbox

nhl 2011
big win
angry teen
vicious voice msg
why i play

caught

sneak out
late night movie
her house
parents home
not supposed to be there
hide
closet
"no! they'll look there!"
"in the bed!"
what?
"bed!"
done
two of us
in bed
mom sees bump
caught
dad is called home from work
police work
seriously
just a movie

hat

it sits how it sits
never fashionable
just on
i do what i want

shut up

speaking
to seniors
at nursing home
lady in back yells...
"shut up"
point taken

pulled over

drving
too fast
lights flashing
pull over
officer approaching
in really big
hat and glasses
laughing
officer not amused
can't stop laughing
big fine
speeding - my fault
laughing - his

come on!  the hat was hilarilous.

team work

hockey team
pretty girl
need date
team work
each player holds a letter
g-o t-o b-a-n-q-u-e-t w-i-t-h
slide out on knees
she says yes
date secured
other team
in shock

unbelievable

bible school
must lead singing
i don't sing
you have to
weird but okay
invite congregation to join me at front

rescue

kid in precarious position
rush to secure him
trip
knock kid into table
crying

hot

dude eating hot peppers
offers one
no thanks
wimp
okay
so hot
spit into napkin
blow nose
with same napkin
out of action

singing

working
singing songs
"who sings that one dan?"
"pearl jam"
"leave it to them"
still singing

pink

glorious sunset
out factory door
grinder down
nod to coworker
"amazing sunset eh?"
"you like pink, do ya?"
back grinding

broken light

i know it
but it's so funny
guest reaches for light
zap
laugh
guest reaches for light
zap
laugh
best light ever

tour

coworker
missing a finger
tour coming
act begins
glove on
chisle hammer swung
screaming
finger on glove
missing
tour gone bad

flowers

drunks on lawn
offer ride
they come from everywhere
ride given
tip on seat
flowers waiting
paper ones
from beh
in beer bottle
"you're the best guy ever"
luckiest

pre church

ample activity
one more voice
asking for stuff
on and on
i lose it
he's out the front door
jazzy jeff style
msg sent from church
man hug
at the front door

sharing

people
knowing God
through His Son
sharing their money
to help an unknowen
person to them
friend to me
God bless
the Church

jam

bayfield berry farm
breakfast
homemade jam
mason jar
forget manners
"take a bottle drink it down.  pass it around."
gone

blueberries

guest is hungry
a college try at hospitality
bagel offered
blueberry
toasted
buttered
served
bagels back on shelf
multigrain
oops

eggs

eggs in hand
what house to hit first
flashing lights
run
jump fence
almost
egg on me
leg on fence
should have stopped

tubing

behind boat
moving
fast, so fast
shorts gone
cruise ship
people pointing
dock
wearing tube

heavy

first time at the gym
weights loaded
down
staying down
body builder moves my way
need help he asks
yep
lifts easily
"try just the bar"
took up squash instead

vasectomy

men huddled
drinking coffee
voices low
telling stories of
critical mistakes
pain and agony
guys gone crazy

dude thinking about vasectomy
not so sure anymore

he shoots he scores

men chanting in unison
another crazy walk through the factory
i guess people know we're pregnant

tv

bud came over
toured my pad
"no tv?!"
"no tv"
"what do you do?!"

perched

up there on the sign
arrogant little fella
no animals past this point
do this, don't do that, can't you read the sign?

sign

church sign
gothic font
black
calvary (place of the skull)
baptist

all welcome

hotel

across the street
carved trees
orange paint
fluorescent signs
blinding lights
kids toys
vacancy

nursing home

speaking at a nursing home
chit chat from the front about whearabouts of bathroom
heckler in front row tells everyone i was incontinent
i defend
heckler tells everyone i was walking around with pants off
me - distracted
old lady runs to front
steals my bible and notes

hemroids

touring canada
boarding
terribly annoying hemroids
too embarrased/cheap to buy
strategy
stay with old people
use their preperation h
problem solved

initiation

hard work
rep team
crazy hair cut
humilitating acts
first game
broken hand
late cut from rep team
b team

initiation should begin once all cuts are made

doubling

bud needs a ride
empty space on my handlebars
flashing lights
a stern officer
a $0.75 fine
parents laughing as they sign the ticket
no lesson learned
still offering rides to those in need

smokes

found
pack of smokes
a non-smoker
can't waste
awesome idea
smoke a pack at once
nostrils - full
mouth - full
puff
cough
never again

awkward

married
two nights in stratford
plans for quebec
beh sleeping
i've still got energy
keep driving
hotels closed
gas stations closed
getting sleepy
fuel running low
a bible school we thought we'd never see again
a call to the dean of men 0400
third night of honeymoon with the dean

ball

i like to play ball
in the fall
near the wall
and i call
all the shots
in the hot
parking lot
with the cars
not too far
from my yard
it ain't hard

you should play ball with me!

by someone else

trip

bud and me
trip to detroit
ball game
no sunscreen
lunch
with a homless guy
happened upon
eddie vedder concert
escourted around the city
by a caring homeless couple
chatting all the way home
out of gas

it's always better to travel planless

church songs

the ymca could have a program called church
stand up, sit down
clap
bow
raise your hands
tap your feet
holler

class intesity could differ, labled by denomination

lice

everytime they checked for lice
i knew that i had them
itching, pain
for those brief minutes
i understood the hypochondriac

pregnancy leave

some girls want to get pregnant so they can be off work
that's crazy!
"...first sit down and estimate the cost to see if you have enough money to complete it..."
kids cost money
and
i assume
they hurt
coming together
coming out
and
coming to "their own"

just quit work

vagina cream

college
my belly button reeks
see doc
prescribes
vagina cream
thanks doc!

there should be an alternative for college students

blood capsules

who came up with them?
genious!
unlimited opportunities
fake falls
fake fights
well
that's all i came up with

arial dump

sounds gross
very low class
but
absolutely freeing
hilarious
a must try

remember tp

fighting

love hockey fights
participated in many
in a warped mind set
i went hippy
let a guy pummel me
for the sake of his soul
i won most sportsmenlike
weird

weird that weird is ei

toes

weight lifting with my best buds
on a ill designed bench
bud takes off his side slightly before me
my side came off easily
on my toes
all five toes "crushed"
memorable trip to the hospital

gas

out of gas
golf clubs
made the best of it
out of gas
tim hortins
made the best of it
out of gas
chinese resturant
made the best of it
out of gas
thumb
made the best of it
out of gas
caa
made the best of it
out of gas
milk jugs
made the best of it
out of gas
loaded with muscle
made the best of it

i get talking and watching the road; that's all i can handle

legs

my mooch friend asked for a ride
"you have legs" i said
"you have a van" he replied
true

crazy driver

worried my good pal with my driving today
"i didn't get to be 59 by doing stupid stuff" he said
"you held up the post office, there were snipers!"
"i guess i'm lucky" he replied

gambling

dad told me to stop gambling
what is gambling i asked
putting money on something uncertain
good 'cause i know i won't lose

i think i'll tell my kids that gambling is putting money on anything that may bring a beating from dad

dress up

sports celebrity dinner
brother and sister
sister comes out of room beautifully dressed
brother reminds her that this is a sports event
sister changes into jeans and t-shirt
arrive at destination
fancy
no wallet
beg for money in hotel lobby
kicked out of hotel
parking attendant takes pity
surrounded by tuxedos and formal dress
ussured to the kitchen as cleaning staff
miscommunication solved
seated with upercrust
wolf down food for don cherry's autograph
a wonderful evening for both sister and me

seagull

she's pouring out her heart
it has been a long year
we listen and weep with her
seagul poops on her head
i laugh
what!? it's funny when someone is having a horrible day and a bird poops on them.

disobedient

"don't leave the fair grounds"
we left the fair grounds
we were robbed
dad was right

seats

sunny day
washing van
phone call
drive away...over middle seats
install coffee table in van

new nets

she shoots she scores
she chases ball across road
school can't afford new nets
school has a fund raiser
new nets this year
darn double taxation

scalper

two extra tickets to the big game
paid big bucks
wanted money back
man and son looking for tickets
my offer on the table
"that's scalping! that's scalping!"
"okay, okay, take them for ticket value"
sold
game time
an old couple sitting next to us
that's scalping!  at its best/worst

new club

juior golf tourney
struggling on 9th hole
chip, chip, chip, chip
golf pro - "dan!  use your handwedge!"
done

clumsy samaritan

skinny pretty girl trying to carry large cooler of beer to house
strong young man willing to help
grateful girl
strong young man trips
glass and beer all over driveway
strong young man helps clean up and carries on
girl not impressed

safety

tied off industrial sand blast unit trigger
tripped
ran for life
sore
did it again the next day to avoid sore thumb?

donuts

thought it funny to toss donut holes from balcony to hotel lobby
lady looks up and points
i run
into sliding glass door

when involved in crime preperation is key

dolly parton

dollywood
it's a real place
i have a dolly dollar and a 1st place axe throwing ribben to prove it

wax

college
found a jar of hair removal wax
two hairy guys
competition - last man standing
cover back with hot wax
dudes take turns ripping strips
i am the champion
of hairy guys

show time

twin cous and i learned a cool trick. clenched butt cheeks, at the proper tension, block a properly placed kick from reaching the sensitive man area. we started off with just a few people around; soon we found ourselves on stages performing for crowds.

people love to watch dumb stuff

doubles

tennis tourney
no line judge - call your own shots
opposing team cheating
wasted serve
to opposing player's face
"put that in your pipe and smoke it!"

cheaters never win...without a black eye

curve ball

practice pitching in backyard
friend declines mask
new pitch in my repertoire
friend's nose
broken
curve ball
effective

frisbee

full of energy
line up lagging
frisbee looking chicken burgers
angry students and teachers
ocd perhaps?

it hurts to be a man

basketball tourney
up for a rebound
down for a dogpile
up without front tooth
down at halftime
halftime pep up talk
"you're all playing like a bunch of ladies...except dan...he lost a tooth and kept on going."
sucks to be a man! hurts too.

dinosaur

"a thesaurus was probably a dinosaur too." "you know, in prehistoric times."

first day

first day at the new job
lunch meeting
spreading mayo on sub
"that's soup dan!"
"i always do this!"
no trend started

conscience

diet coke, hahahahahahahahhahahahhahahahhahah!
suckers!

invisible

out of the library
girl on bike runs into me
one block later
jogger runs into me

logical?

i was in washington dc the day the nation christmas tree snapped
that same day the wind blew a kid on his face in front of me
i couldn't stop feeling sad for the tree or laughing at the sight of a blowing over boy

: )

what's wrong with your head?
why are you smiling?
why are you lying down?
why do you even exist?

addicted

plants vs zombies looked stupid to me
dad urged me to try
everyone was doing it
i tried
a part of me died
the dad part
2 year old son wanted to play
i couldn't pull myself a way
gave him the phone
he called 9-1-1
the police came
i quit my game

kissing a guy

a bud and i got into a picture booth
we pretended to kiss
the pics were hilarious
we lost them that day

pretty for just one day

my wedding day
an urge to play baseball
couldn't let a fly ball drop
dove
caught the ball
cuts of character added to my face
wore makeup to my wedding

squirrel did it

i stood in the kitchen
in front of me lay a mess of torn bread and bag
my parents sent me to my room
for a crime i didn't commit
i left the room and
the real culprit made his way through a hole in a screen

parents should never make mistakes - they'll never live it down

twin cousin

i have a twin cousin
born the same day
in the same town
at the same hospital
in the same room
with the same last name
what do you have to brag about?

coffee exercise

we dropped the kids off at ymca child minding today
post-tornado free coffee was available in the lobby
we grabbed some
sat in front of the pool
chatted for an hour
picked the kids up
and went home

contemporary old-fasion

lazy so i drove from campsite to showers
pulled up to facilities
started shower
forgot clean clothes!
back to van
wearing only towell
grabbed clothes from trunk
closed door on towell
dropped clean clothing on ground
bent to p/u clothing
towell pulled off
i paniced
accidently hit panic button
ran to shower with handful of clothing and no towell

do panic buttons ever come in handy?

nerds

driving by chapters book store
thought it funny to yell out "NERDS!"
two guys took offense
high speed chase through city
finally stopped and got out
nerds kept going - laughing
it's very easy to become the nerd

shirtless

eastern canada
middle of winter
cold
on our way to a hot tub and sauna
sunroof down, windows open, ac on, shirts off
20 minute drive
hot tub and sauna closed
always call ahead

poop on the bed

"danny, danny, he pooped on your bed!"
"what?"
camp in jamaica
stress saveer - when in jamaica working at a camp, know that they refer to flatulence, toots, farts as poop. 

eye full

my wife takes the wheel
it's too beatiful to stay inside
head out the window
freedom and wind and
washer fluid.

training

brand new baby boy!
private coverage...but
stuck in a ward room
oh well
it's still great to live in a country like this
2 am feeding
post c-section high
nurse hands over cute little baby boy
who are you cute little baby boy?
can the real baby davidson please stand up!
fyi - hospitals differ in the way they number ward room beds

cracked skull

walked in front of a swing my kid was pushing
cracked skull
damn irony

that annoying dude in the bible

do you read the bible?
you should.
somewhere in there, there is this dude
he's super annoying and asks people for stuff at inconvienient times
he bugs them until they give stuff to him
we're supposed to learn about prayer fromt that guy
i have a friend just like that guy
God help me

little things

depressing day
supper time i shake a full bottle of orange juice
lid pops off
orange juice everywhere
gives my wife and i something to laugh about
happy day
with a mess

girls don't have a sense of humor

peed my pants on dry land at the beach the other day
thought it was a funny twist on a normal beach activity
my wife was horified

hanging up the cheeks

is there a world record for number of moons?
i would like to apply but have no idea how i'll track down all of those witnesses.

fake pooh

they screamed! 
i laughed so hard.
the toilet flused.
my fake pooh is gone forever : (

shit

glad i had my mouth closed.
horses shouldn't be allowed on bike trails!

jump rope

never jump rope without a belt or some sort of fitted bottoms.

pull your pants up

yard sale superman wipeout on my bike the other day
stuff everywear, my pants down to my ankles and i couldn't move
buddy comes around the corner
"pull your pants up!"

"are you okay?" ...that should have come first!

meth head, bud on the couch and the cops

a buddy needed a place to stay
this buddy has cerebral palsy
he crashed on our couch in the living room
a meth head was homeless and sleeping at the beach
he crased on our couch on the porch
there was a crazed person knocking at our door 0230
bud in living room freaked
i freaked; called the cops
the cops said they'd send someone
the cops said sorry
it was the cops knocking
the cops didn't believe porch dude when he said he had a place to stay
they were just checking

always call before pasionately knocking at 0230

blockbuster

i mistaked a chick for my sister the other day at blockbuster
"i have the money" i whispered in her ear in a creepy voice
everyone should wear their last name on the back of their shirt

peaches

my 1 year old boy loves peaches.
 today he was picking them out of the bowl and throwing them over his shoulder and at his face. 
i took the peaches from him and took him out of his baby chair. 
when putting him down i noticed something stiff stuck in the sleve of his shirt.
 it was a plastic hanger.
 funny how hard it is to get peaches to ones mouth with a fixed elbow.
remove hanger before clothing child...
why isn't that shit written on the tag!

trampoline, treehouse and a twister

an f3 tornado kicked the poop out of my trampoline. 
took the bent steel to the body shop today and had it "straightened". 
it's a funny looking sucker now
maybe a bit unpredictible.

before i knew the tramp would be salvageable i built the kids a tree house out of someones scrap. 
5 min after putting it together two of my boys collided on the slide
now teeth are loose and heads are swallon.

hopefully the trampoline doesn't go all venus fly trap on them tonight!